Written by Marie Parkin, Class of 2024
When it came to my music life, I grew up in an intense environment. My high school music program took its curriculum very seriously, and I’ve grown into a rhythm where competition became my drive. As an oboist, the tension between members of my studio and I felt especially high strung, particularly because of the performing opportunities that came with the instrument. As a high school underclassmen, specifically my sophomore year, I took the competition very personally, which made time spent in my music program nearly unbearable. However, as time went on, I started to fit in with the competitive environment. I learned how to channel the negative energy I felt from my peers into motivation to be better, to prove that I could be a better musician than how I thought I was perceived.
The competitive environment molded me to become a competitor, which helped me thrive during my college audition season, along with teaching me to look for and love harsh criticism. Once I learned how to fit in with the competitive environment at my school, I noticed massive improvement in my skill level. I went from practicing an etude a month for a band assignment, to performing and auditioning every weekend, along with having in and out of school ensemble rehearsals during the week. The growth to this point took me less than a year.
When I had started to feel like I was outgrowing the competitive atmosphere at my high school, the thought of studying at the collegiate level became incredibly exciting. I looked forward to being surrounded by like minded peers; hard working, talented and competitive individuals. However the global pandemic had made it particularly hard to find this competitive environment through Zoom. Since ensemble rehearsals, chair placements and festival auditions have mostly been put on hold, I found it harder to feel engaged in my musical growth. During my fall semester, I struggled to find the motivation to practice, because there was nothing to compete against. And in this time, I realized:
I have learned to thrive in unhealthy competition.
Which isn’t particularly a good thing, since this means that I thrive in an environment where gatekeeping, comparing and overworking was encouraged. I had absorbed myself into the feeling of competing so much, I became dependent on the fear of failure to motivate me.
When is competition considered unhealthy? The first red flag your competitive environment is unhealthy is feeling the need for validation from others. When grinding it to the core, the reason we are here as music students is because we love what we do! Seeking validation from others is a window to subconscious insecurities, and insecurity limits an individual’s potential. It also blinds us from seeing our own improvement. We focus so much on the progress of our competitors instead of our own.
Another sign your competitive environment is unhealthy is when your motivation to improve is fear. Whether it be being afraid of social rejection, or a crippling fear of failure, having fear be your motivator can actually be unhealthy. You become fearful of the steps you need to take to achieve your own goals, and therefore, either avoid the steps you need to take to improve, or you overwork yourself out of fear you won’t improve as quickly as you want. The fear of negative criticism, along with the fear of falling behind my peers had turned me into my biggest enemy. I made unrealistic and unhealthy goals for myself, to the point where I would get too discouraged to even try and improve.
Competition is also unhealthy when it revolves around the need to tear others down, whether it be publicly, or in your own mind. When around peers, it is important to remember that we all come from different educational backgrounds, which means we have all benefited from a wide variety of advantages, along with struggling with a variety of disadvantages. In order to learn, we need to be an environment comfortable enough to make mistakes. In an unhealthy competitive environment, the feeling of guilt and anxiety is now attached to making mistakes; too much time and energy will be spent avoiding other tasks that could potentially lead to a mistake, then simply making a mistake and using it as a learning opportunity.
Checking in with yourself to make sure you are feeling healthy competition is crucial to maintaining good learning habits, which will not only benefit your skill growth, but will also improve your motivation and self confidence. Instead of focusing on your final goal, focus on how you will get there. Give yourself credit for the work you do, whether the final outcome was a success or a failure. Celebrate not only your successes but also the successes of the people around you. Remain open minded, observe, and ask questions to the peers beside you. Do NOT be afraid of making mistakes. Most of all, self reflect consistently. Make sure you aren’t pushing your own limits, and make sure you don’t fall into old habits that may lead to feeling unhealthy competition, whether it be with yourself or with others around you.
College has definitely shown me the benefits of healthy competition. I was taken by surprise when members of my new oboe studio offered to help me with reed making and jury music, rather than being silent competitors beside me. My musical world became brighter, the air was breathable, and I noticed a significant improvement not only in skill, but in my self confidence as a musician.
The key to your growth and success is keeping healthy competition with ourselves, while helping build up our peers in the process. It’s a win-win solution.
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